The Peaceful Lion Roars: HOW TO DEVELOP SELF CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM

There’s a man I’ve allowed to sabotage my self-confidence and self-esteem. He’s made it a priority to point out everything I fear and every flaw I have. He’s convinced me to do things I didn’t want to do. And, I love him.

There’d been times when he would have been pleased leaving me,
as a cold, naked, and helpless child to die an embarrassing death. He tears me down at every opportunity with the most hurtful criticisms. The onslaught of insults delivered in the most demeaning voice tones he can muster have trembled the foundation of my being. Still, I love him.

I’ve had my dark passenger all of my life. He eats, sleeps, dreams, and lives with me.

He is me.

As a child I was intensely introverted and shy. As a result, many of my social skills developed around gaining acceptance. I craved validation and believed it could only come from external sources – other people. This lead me to rely solely on others to define what I liked and who I was. It was how I had determined my self-confidence and, as a result, my lack of self-esteem. I had become increasingly confounded to the point where I didn’t know if I genuinely liked something or whether I thought I liked something because it was the right thing to like. If you think that’s confusing, you’re correct.

My dark passenger can be the inner critic in me that doesn’t ask for permission. He’s all reaction and judgement. The terrible things that my dark passenger has whispered in my ear have been the major causes to missed opportunities.

“You’re an impostor.” “You’re not good enough.” “Nobody is going to care about your opinion.”

“You look stupid.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about” “Nobody loves you.”

I couldn’t help but think, “How could I ever develop self-confidence and self-esteem if I don’t believe in myself?”

The fear of failure had overwhelmed me and had frozen me in my tracks; but not anymore.

Challenging The dark passenger

The irony about having a dark passenger is his intention is to help me. He is exceptionally good at preparing me for any threat – real or imaginary. He is always ready to protect me by telling me to prepare to fight like a wild animal, run like there’s a fire or freeze as if there’s a saber-toothed tiger hiding behind a bush.

Over time I’ve come to realize that my body will react to threats (real or imaginary) my dark passenger believes are present. I understand that some of this automatic thinking is being put together with lower structures of my brain; the reptilian brain.

Cognitive distortions are thoughts or beliefs that are made superficially or without proof. This type of thinking is often inaccurate and can reinforce destructive coping mechanisms. We mustn’t believe everything we think!

An effective way of to stop these potentially damaging thought patterns is to interrupt the thinking with a challenge. For example, if my performance at work or home falls short, I can challenge my thinking by recalling a time when I was successful with the same or similar task.

“Remembering is mental time travel.”

~ Endel Tulving

Some examples of distorted thinking that we must challenge (Patelis-Siotis, Wheeler 2004):

1. All or nothing Thinking: Seeing things in black and white categories. If my performance falls short of perfect, I see myself as a total failure.

Dark passenger: “Your presentation was rushed. You’ll never be a good public speaker.”

My challenge: “This presentation might have been rushed but the last two I gave were great.”

2. Emotional reasoning: Assuming that my negative emotions reflect the way things are. i.e. “I feel it, therefore, it must be true.”

Dark passenger: “He didn’t laugh at your joke. He thinks you're a dolt.”

My challenge: “Maybe, the joke wasn’t funny. That’s ok. I’ve told funny jokes before. I’m still charming.”

3. Mental filter: Picking out a single negative detail and dwelling on it exclusively, so that the vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolours the entire beaker of water.

Dark passenger: “You wore the wrong color socks. Now, everyone knows you’re a fool.”

My challenge: “Everybody has days when their clothes don’t perfectly match. That doesn’t make them, or me, a fool.”

4. Magnification or minimization: Exaggerating the importance of things (e.g. a goof up), or inappropriately shrinking things until they appear tiny (e.g. our own desirable qualities).

Dark passenger: “You screwed up by using the wrong verb tense during the interview. Now, the job will certainly go to someone smarter.”

My challenge: “I don’t know if she noticed that I had used the wrong verb tense. No big deal. I nailed everything else!”

5. Jumping to conclusions: Making a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Dark passenger: “She’s not going to like you because she thinks you're a creep.”

My challenge: “I’m just nervous about approaching her. She has no reason to think I’m a creep.”

Perspective shifting and choosing our reality

The ability to consider something from a different point of view is an essential skill to developing self-confidence and self-esteem. This is typically referred to as cognitive reframing.

By changing our belief about an event/experience, we can drastically affect our body’s chemistry. We can go from feeling the effects of stress and nervousness (shaking hands, increased blood pressure, and/or nausea due to increased levels of cortisol and adrenaline) to feeling resolved and centered (relaxed breathing, contentment, and acceptance of the situation as a result of increased levels of dopamine and endorphins).

Removing shame and guilt from an event/experience is a crucial step when attempting to fix distorted thinking. We can choose to perceive the things that help us reframe how we see ourselves in the world. It’s this selective process that allows for perspective shifting. Know that we can influence the world around us. We have power and say over how we choose to interpret our reality.

Once I realized that I could challenge the way I experience the world, everything changed. I started to look at myself objectively. This helped me to become mindful of possible situational factors, like cognitive distortions, that were once invisible to me.

Self compassion is the bridge between self confidence and self esteem

Our mental well being is strongly related to self compassion.

Negative self-talk and self-criticism hinders our attempts to align our actions with our core values. Our motivation goes from promotion thinking (growth and advancement) to prevention thinking (safety and security). (Higgins: Regulatory Focus Theory)

The result from negative self-talk puts us in a precarious and difficult position. We become the attacker and the attacked. This is not an effective strategy to building self-confidence or self-esteem.

We are hardwired to respond to, and seek out, warmth, affection, and soothing vocalizations. Fortunately, we can provide all three of these for ourselves. During moments of criticisms or judgments stop and look for proof of the opposite. For example:

Inner critic/judgement: “Nobody laughed at your joke. You’re not charming. You look stupid.”

Compassionate challenge: “That’s not true. I told the same joke the other day to my friend and she laughed. I am clever and charming.”

A compassionate challenge to our self-criticism and judgement could mean the difference between feeling like you can take on a challenge confidently or crumbling under the weight of the fear of failure.

Self-compassion and positive self-talk will help increase the levels of oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins. Cognitive reframing will help reduce the levels of cortisol and adrenaline. When our motivation is no longer about safety and security (prevention focus), we can shift our intentions to promotion type behaviors (growth and advancement). This can often be achieved by acknowledging the intense emotion we feel and allowing the emotion to exist. All the while, observing the feelings we experience like watching passing clouds in the sky. And, as the clouds pass, we reclaim our presence of mind.

We are more likely to be affable and ambitious with a mindset that is expansive and curious. By practicing self-compassion, we become more forgiving of our shortfalls. This is key because we learn to see ourselves as worthy of praise and empathy. The awareness of our own self-worth will then be present in all of our choices from deciding a career path to developing caring relationships.

3 Easy ways to build self-confidence and self-esteem

Practice

Behaving Confidently = Feeling Confident

We are constantly going between automatic and conscious thinking and behaviors. Due to the incessant input of sensory data, our brain filters certain information. If we are prevention focused, we will tend to accept judgments which support that particular frame of mind. Likewise, with promotion focus.

Try this: Schedule practice for behaving like the person you intend on becoming. Repeat this exercise with different people (an acquaintance, a friend, an authority figure, a lover, an enemy, etc.) until it’s a habit.

Try this: Build someone else’s confidence. Let someone impress you today and witness the benefits this has for that person and for yourself. Extending compassion to others, as well as ourselves, will infuse meaning into our interactions which helps build self-esteem mutually.

Persist

“I don't count my sit-ups; I only start counting when it starts hurting because they’re the only ones that count.”

~Muhammad Ali

Change is uncomfortable. It takes courage to put ourselves in vulnerable situations. We must be gentle with ourselves as we hustle through the tougher moments. It’s ok to take it one step at a time or to redo a step. Forgive the shortfalls, accept the flaws. Having an awareness of potential negative self-talk will empower our resilience and help us to manage awkward and intense feelings.

Re-Affirm

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

~ WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY

Personal assets inventory

The following exercise helps me to consider the values that motivate my choices.

One of my favorite affirmation exercises is to review my ‘personal assets inventory’ of awesome qualities. If you’ve never created a list of favorable qualities, this is how I do it. I come up with 10 (or more!) things I’m good at. This could be anything from washing dishes to going for walks. I write these things down.

Then, I call a close friend and ask him/her what they most appreciate about me - this might feel weird at first, but persist! As a courtesy, I tell them what I value and appreciate about them. Which, is my favorite part of the exercise.

If we focus on what we want versus what we don’t want, it puts our thinking in line with our core values. We will be more likely to find and praise the positive behaviors we want to reinforce without shame or guilt.

Stack the wins

During times of doubt, the personal assets inventory helps remind me of the good that I, and others, see in me. I stack these wins and the result is healthy self-esteem.

Confidence indicators

Confidence is the most important element to presence; our presence is the foundation to our charisma. Others will perceive our capacity to influence the world and how empathetic we are, largely, by how we present ourselves.

Here are a few confidence indicators:

1. Appearance and demeanor: Our attitude and how we carry ourselves will send signals, via our body language, as to how we feel about others, the situational factors, and ourselves. Besides maintaining good posture, be mindful of your hands. There are more connections between our brain and our hands than any other part of our body. The use of our hands make a significant impact on how we’re perceived.

Try this: When seeking cooperation use palm up gestures. When demonstrating authority use palm down gestures.

The ability to read the body language of other people will help to elevate our empathy and communication skills.

2. Facial expression: As good as we are at masking how we feel, micro-expressions of authentic emotions will leak. There is a possibility, if we are experiencing negative self-talk, it could show on our face. If it happens, there’s a risk the person we’re talking with will notice and might believe themselves to be the cause of our grimace or contempt.

Try this: Schedule a body/face scan once a day. Bringing our awareness to our body, by performing a head to toe body scan, will help bring mindfulness to the moment.

3. Vocal pitch: During the effects of stress, our larynx tightens and our pitch rises in tone. An effective way of knowing if we’re experiencing stress is to listen to the tone of our own voice. Other symptoms or signs of stress might be: increased blood pressure, faster speaking rate and nervous fidgeting.

Try this: When you notice the symptoms or signs that signal that you are stressed or nervous during an event/experience take a deep breath, slow down your actions and speech and lower the tone of your voice. You will feel like you’re gaining back your control and you won’t appear erratic or unstable to others.

This is an excellent free ebook you can download now: The 3 Power Secrets To Reading People.

Befriending my dark passenger

Challenging cognitive distortions, over time, becomes easier. Perspective shifting, reality checks, and body scans can become part of our daily routines. Whenever self-confidence is lacking and self-esteem is at risk, cross the compassion bridge.

I am now close friends with my dark passenger. As primitive as he can be, I understand all he wants to do is protect me in the only way he’s been programmed. Sometimes he hurts me. Still, I love him.